How Do You Cope With a Major Life Change?

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Okay, so this is an interesting topic. I love this topic.

I want to have a little riff on this today and look at what actually is a major change, the difference between change and transition — which is really what we need to talk about when we're talking about major change — why it can take so long, why we struggle, and what actually helps when you're going through something like major change in your life.

So when we think about major change, often our attention turns to quite negative things that are disruptive to our lives.

It could be redundancy. It could be divorce. It could be that you've got to move countries. It could be the death of a partner or someone very close to you, a friend or relation.

It could be anything that, on the face of it, is upsetting.

But on the other hand, a major change can be something that's seen as positive.

It could be that you're moving into a new position in a company or you've got a promotion. Maybe you've become a mum for the first time. Maybe you've bought or rented a property and you've now got responsibilities for the first time.

Maybe you're not single anymore, which is what you've been wanting for months and months, and now you're in a partnership.

On the face of it, all of these things are incredibly positive.

But they can still qualify as major change.

And the thing that these seemingly negative things and positive things have in common is that they're disruptive.

And essentially, they're a type of loss.

For example, you might have been single for a long time, wanting to be in a relationship, and now you've found a partner. And that's great - you've got what you wanted - but you've also lost that single life you had.

So it doesn't have to be a seemingly negative thing to unsettle or disrupt your life.

And I want to make that point because you might be beating yourself up thinking:

Well, this is what I wanted. So why do I feel sad? Why do I find this difficult when seemingly it's positive?

A major life change could be all sorts of things.

It could be a change in health status. It can be to do with different stages of life — quarter life, midlife.

It can be that you've had an awakening. Lots of people had awakenings in 2020 when they had a bit more time and space to see their lives more clearly.

It could be children leaving home. It could be going through menopause.

It could be anything that sort of rocks your boat and creates change and disruption.

And as I say, essentially it means the loss of something — whether that's good or bad.

Change and transition

The thing that I want to make really clear is that change is an event that happens.

And change can come and go very quickly.

One minute you're in a job, the next minute it's gone.

One minute you're in a relationship, the next minute it's gone.

So change can happen super fast.

But then what happens next is the transition.

Which is what happens inside of you.

An identity you've been wearing, has to shift.

And this process takes longer than the actual change event.

So when you have this change event, it's the transition that's often harder and can make you feel as though you're in a LifeStorm.

The reason the transition within you — the change of identity and this unsettled sensation inside you — can take so long to settle is because you can't go straight from an old life into a new life like that and just feel like it's normal and natural.

Something ends.

There's usually an in-between space.

And then eventually something new emerges.

There are three phases to transition, as I see it, once the change has hit.

The first phase — End Game

The first phase is an ending.

Something is coming to an end and, as we've discussed, that can feel like a loss.

And then we move into the second phase.

The second phase — The In-Between

This is a kind of in-between phase.

You're in between who you were and who you're going to be next, but who you're going to be hasn't fully emerged yet.

I remember when I became a mum with my first baby.

When she was born I wasn't really a mum yet.

I was still me. Still young me, doing my thing, working my job and doing all that stuff.

I wasn't really a mum.

It was something I had to become.

That's the transition.

And when you're in that in-between space, you can feel like you don't really know who is going to emerge from it.

That can feel deeply unsettling because we like to know our roles, what we're doing, where we fit and all that stuff.

So that's the second phase.

It's this kind of in-between, unsettled space.

The third phase — Step Out

And then the third phase is really what I call Step Out.

It's when you're moving into a new identity.

You've had that shift and you're starting to take on the new role.

And you're showing up differently because of it.

So, as a new mum, I wasn't going out with friends all the time, pubbing and clubbing.

I was going to bed early. I was getting up in the middle of the night to feed my newborn. I was staying in and looking after my baby.

The transition into that took a long time.

And there can be wobbles in this stage where people might not like the way you're showing up.

Your old party people might not like the fact you're not coming out.

And you have to start reasserting your boundaries and your priorities and your values and everything that goes along with stepping into a new identity.

So there are these clear phases, as I see it:

End Game.
The In-Between.
And Step Out.

And just by putting that in a bit of a nutshell, you can see that this doesn't happen overnight.

This is an evolution.

Why the In-Between can be so difficult

As I mentioned, the In-Between is where a lot of people can struggle.

Because we want to know what to do next.

Our logical minds are always trying to fix it. We always want to know.

Do you ever have that feeling when you've started a new job and you wish you were six months ahead?

You wish you'd already been there for six months. You knew all the people. You knew the job. You knew what you were doing.

You're wishing away time because you're feeling uncomfortable.

You want to know what to do and you want to feel settled rather than being in this kind of limbo.

And a lot of that is about vulnerability.

Getting things wrong.

What will people think?

Being judged.

There's all sorts of stuff that goes along with that.

And I think this In-Between phase is really like a living pause.

And that's okay.

If you can't quite be out there being the person you want to be yet, that's all right.

Don't beat yourself up.

Spend some time stepping back and allowing yourself to evolve.

It's that classic caterpillar turning into the butterfly.

So what actually helps?

First of all, reflect on where you might be within those three phases.

Because what you need is quite different depending on what phase of transition you're in.

If you're in that first End Game phase, you need to lay a lot of self-care and love on yourself.

Give yourself plenty of TLC and do the basics well. Look after yourself.

If you're in the In-Between, you really have to allow yourself to step back and take it slowly.

Step by step.

Have that living pause.

Whereas if you're in the Step Out phase, you've got to be aware that you're probably going to wobble a little bit.

Because you're doing things slightly differently, it can feel a bit odd.

You might feel all at sea.

That's all right.

And once you know where you are, you'll realise:

Okay. This is where I am. This is what my focus is.

And this is where LifeStorm comes in

If you're going through this at the moment and need a bit of support, or you're not really sure where you are, this is the work I'm doing with LifeStorm.

I've created a Map that can help you pinpoint exactly where you are within your transition and what might help.

It's based on my own transition following an awakening, as well as research, and my experience of working with hundreds of clients as a therapist.

I've mapped the 7 different stages you're likely to come upon within each of those three phases.

And it's worth knowing where you are so you can actually orientate yourself and not feel lost, stuck or worried.

A lot of anxiety can come from thinking:

Oh God, why do I feel low? Why are my emotions all over the place? Why am I feeling like this?

It really helps to orientate yourself.

But just remember:

Something big can change in your life very quickly.

And when that happens, it's easy to think:

Okay, the event's happened. Why am I not moving on? I need to move on.

But remember, it's not just the change you're going through.

You're going through a transition from one identity to another.

And that takes as long as it takes.